What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 00:04
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She wouldn,t have been !
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Would this be the day?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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This is soul school!.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was very sick at this time too.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My life is so biszare .
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I don,t even have a pension.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I waited trembling.
When writing a novel, how can a character be developed well, but QUICKLY?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And i lived it daily.
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She loved him until the end.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I have no regrets .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She found it foreign!.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Who then, do I blame.?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
All the time i was locked up.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We all went to grammer schools
We were not on the streets..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Was to survive, this bastard.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Especially a lifetime of it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I write beautiful poetry .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I said to her
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She married twice! .
Ive learnt so much.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
So whats the point in blame.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My family never makes their pension either.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She was in good health!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was scared of men, in general
But it wasn’t much.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I think the readers, may guess!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im still living with it.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
What did i know ?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As i do to all so called friends.?
When she asked me how she looked .
I was 9 years of age.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
So, i spoilt her more .
Put me off passion for life!!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I never cut or harmed myself..
One cannot live in the past .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Comes on , in middle age.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I will be 64.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But, we were locked up after school.
It was going to be , some day.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He knew the spot.
I was seconnd youngest,